“Texas – A State of Mind” by Neal Murphy

March 3, 2023 - Most Texans are proud of their state. Texas has a lot to offer its residents, and bragging rights are included. I realize that we Texans have a reputation for being outwardly proud. In fact I read where a father instructed his son, “Son, don’t ask a man where’s he’s from. If he’s from Texas, he’ll tell you. If not, there ain’t no need to embarrass him.”

I read about a tourist who stopped at a service station and asked for a small map of Texas. He was told there isn’t such a thing. A wealthy Texan received a check from his bank with the words “Insufficient Funds” stamped, and then handwritten: “Not yours – ours!”

Not all tourists are impressed with Texas. Once in dry, hot West Texas a tourist stopped at a filling station and in the course of conversation asked about a bird he had seen. “A bird of paradise,” answered the Texan. “Long way from home isn’t he”, said the tourist. In the Panhandle a visitor asked a rancher, “What is the longest that you remember that you were without any rain?” The rancher scratched his head a minute and replied, “Well, I remember one time when it never did rain.”

Speaking of a drought, a rancher in West Texas had to sell off most of his cattle and sheep, but had a few lambs left. One day his wife was doing laundry outdoors when a lamb fell into a pot of bluing. The next day it was prancing near the fence. A Cadillac drove up and a woman asked, “That a blue lamb?” “Shore is,” replied the rancher. “How much do you want for it?” The rancher thought a moment, “Twenty-five dollars.” She bought it. Well, he recognized the possibilities and so he would dye a couple of the lambs blue and let them run by the fence, and people would buy them. Then he began to buy large quantities of lambs and dye them. Before long he came to be known as the “biggest lamb dyer in Texas.”

In fact, most Texans believe that the air alone is so wonderful that people stay healthy. A Texan rushed up East to see his mother who was grievously ill. Realizing what she needed, he went out and got his spare tire and let the Texas air loose in her room. She got so well that she lived for another sixty-five years. When he came back home, he refilled his tires and said to his wife, “See how much better the car rides on that good Texas air!”

Even the horses in Texas are smart. When a cowboy falls off his horse, he has his horse trained to go for a doctor. Just one thing – they can’t break the horse from bringing a horse doctor.

A preacher moved to New Mexico “for health reasons.” “They were sick of me in Texas,” he said.

There is a new dessert being offered in Alaska hotels. It’s called Baked Texas.

There was a fellow from West Texas who took a certain kind of liver pills all his life. When he finally died, his liver had become so healthy that they had to operate, take his liver out, and beat it to death.

A reprobate died in Texas, and they were trying to get somebody to say some good words for him at the funeral, in the absence of a preacher. Nobody would. Finally a Texan stepped forward and said, “If nobody has anything to say for old Joe here, I’d like to say a few words for Texas A&M.”

An old Texan was being quizzed about how he had lived so long. “Good judgment,” he said. “How do you get good judgment?” he was asked. “From using bad judgment,” came his reply.

And finally, a wealthy Texan died and was buried in a black Cadillac, sitting at the steering wheel. They lowered the whole contraption into a large hole. One of his friends looked on and said to another indoctrinated Texas friend, “Man, now that’s what I call living.” 

We should all be as so lucky as this Texan. He made his wealth on only thirty acres of land. They call it “Downtown Dallas.”